the miss uh, whatever beauty pageant.
by Lady Khushrenada
Summary: all the gundam chicks compete in a beauty pageant and all hell breaks loose. more midnight insanity from an unstable author.


  
i own nothing. there. nuff' said.  
  
  
The year is after colony...uh, yeah, we know the drill. In the midst of  
the war, the miss...what are they calling it now...? pageant is being   
held. Duo is the host. be afraid....  
  
Duo: welcome ladies and gentlemen to the miss united-earth-sphere-alliance  
zodiac-nation-union thingy pageant. I'm duo, i'll be hosting this   
evening.   
Quatre: and i'm Quatre, the somewhat quiet, lovable cute cohost.^.^  
Duo: uhmm...yeah. Is the musical number first or do we introduce the judges,  
i forget.  
Quatre: musical number. let's give it up for our contestants.   
*Audience claps*   
All the g-wing girls (and i do mean ALL of them) do a dance number to  
"this land is your land" while wearing ridiculous outfits.  
  
Duo: that was...disturbing. Before we introduce the contestants, we'll   
introduce the judges, shall we?  
Quatre: ok.  
Duo: Ok, lets' cut to the chase here, the judges are...oh god...i mean...  
Quatre: *reading the teleprompter, sounding stunned* Duke Dermail, Doktor J,  
Paegan the creepy butler dude, WuFei, Treize, elvis...? but he's dead!  
Duo: Quatre you dumbass, it doesn't say elvis...yes it does. and jim morrison  
ok, what wiseass put a bunch of dead rock gods on the list?  
  
*Elvis and Jim tenatively raise their hands from the judges box*  
  
Duo: 0.0 i'm not even gonna ask.  
Quatre: we're not worthy...  
Duo: now for the parade of contestants. this is merely an excuse to keep  
them in the ridiculous costumes for a few more minutes. We will introduce  
each of them both by name and country/colony/military orgainzation they   
represent, and include their social issue or whatever.   
*corny music plays, Relena walks onto the stage in a tye dyed evening dress*  
Quatre: first up we have Relena peacecraft, Miss Skank..er, i mean sank kingdom.  
her issue is world peace.  
*applause as relena walks off the stage, and dorothy walks up in a cammo-print   
evening dress*  
Duo: Dorothy Catalonia, miss Romafeller, supports military training for underprivelaged  
inner-city kids.  
*Dorothy walks over and stands with relena, and Sally walks up*  
Quatre: Major Sally Po, miss earth-sphere alliance, will be playing for justice and  
integrity. 'k.  
*Sally gets in line with the others and hilde walks up dressed as a nun*  
Duo: Hilde Schibeiker, miss L2, playing for underprivelaged colony children. *winks* love  
the outfit babe.  
*Hilde smiles and waves before getting in line with the others.*  
Quatre: Next we have Lt. Noin, Miss Lake Victoria. Also playing for world peace and  
space exploration.  
*everybody claps*  
Duo: Sylvia Noventa, miss...i forgot where she's from. also playing for world peace.  
*more clapping. Catherine walks out.*  
Quatre: Catherine Bloom, miss traveling circus. playing for arts education.  
*clapping*  
Duo: Colonel Lady Une, miss oz, playing for mental health education.  
*clapping*  
Quatre: and finnally, Marimaia, miss barton foundation, playing for the  
operation meteor destroy the earth fund.   
Duo: and now for another corny superfluous dance number. after this is   
the swimsuit competition!  
*audience claps wildly*  
*a bunch of nameless Oz guys do a rather disturbing can-can*  
  
insert commercial here  
  
Duo: 0_o ohkaaay. now on to the swimsuit competition.  
*wild clapping and whistling from the audience*  
Quatre: first up we have...Dorothy, Miss Romafeller.  
*people clap as she walks around the stage in a bikini and matching pumps.  
the judges scores are at the bottom of the tv*  
  
Duke Dermail......9.5   
Doktor J..........8.7  
Paegan............7.0  
WuFei.............INJUSTICE!!!!  
Treize............8.7  
elvis.............7.5   
jim morrison......6.8  
AVG: 6.8  
  
*dorothy walks off the stage*  
  
Duo: next we have miss L2- Hilde!  
  
*Hilde parades around the stage and the judges do the score thing again*  
  
Duke Dermail......5.6  
Doktor J..........8.9  
Paegan............7.7  
WuFei.............she has no integrity!  
Treize............8.7  
elvis.............6.0  
jim morrison......8.0  
AVG: 6.3  
  
Quatre: Miss Skank...er, i mean sank kingdom...  
  
*relena walks out in a thong*  
  
Duke Dermail......2.0  
Doktor J..........-2.3  
Paegan............*drops dead of a heart attack*  
  
Quatre: since paegan the creepy butler has um...died in the line of duty, he   
will be replaced by...Zechs merquise.  
  
WuFei.............WEAKLING!!!!  
Treize............*throws up*  
elvis.............6.0  
jim morrison......4.2  
AVG: 1.4  
  
Duo: before we continue, WuFei; if you do that again you'll also be replaced.  
WuFei: INJUSTICE!!!!!  
Duo: Ok, Wufei will be replaced by Heero Yuy. I'd also like to ask, Treize, man,  
are you ok. i mean i know that's pretty nauseating but *still*  
Treize: i'm fine.  
Duo: ok, cool. Moving on, we have Miss Lake Victoria.  
  
*relena runs off the stage crying, and WuFei is dragged out by security*  
  
Duke Dermail......8.7  
Doktor J..........8.9  
Heero.............9.2  
Zechs.............10.5  
Treize............9.0  
elvis.............7.6  
jim morrison......8.9  
AVG: 8.9  
  
Quatre: Sylvia Noventa, miss...we forgot where she's from...  
  
Duke Dermail......can i get a piece of that...  
Doktor J..........7.8  
Heero.............*drools* 10.0  
Zechs.............8.9  
Treize............8.9...can it, Dermail!  
elvis.............7.8  
jim morrison......7.8  
AVG: 6.0  
  
Duo: next up is Miss Oz, Lady Une.  
  
Duke Dermail......8.7...Don't make me come over there Treize  
Doktor J..........7.0  
Heero.............8.3  
Zechs.............8.4  
Treize............10^25  
elvis.............8.0  
jim morrison......8.7  
  
Quatre: Mr. Treize, i'm sorry, but we can't take scores in scientific notation.  
it's a scale of 1-10...zechs, that goes for you too.  
  
Treize: Damn.....10  
AVG: 8.4  
  
Duo: *yawn* Miss earthsphere alliance, Sally Po.  
  
Duke Dermail......8.7  
Doktor J..........8.9  
Heero.............9.2  
Zechs.............8.7  
Treize............9.0  
elvis.............7.6  
jim morrison......8.9  
AVG: 8.7  
  
*WuFei Yelling from the back* INJUSTICE!!!!!!!!  
  
Quatre: Duo, you baka, you need to be more respectful.  
Duo: nani?  
Quatre: anyway, next is...wait, marimaia isn't IN the swimsuit competition   
pending a lawsuit filed by Dekim Barton...anyway...after the next   
commercial we'll return with a behind the scenes thingy and make the  
semi-finalist cut.   
  
insert commercial here  
  
Quatre: welcome back. before we reveal this year's semifinalists, we're going to  
show backstage footage to keep you all here as long as possible.   
Duo: yup. that's the plan.  
  
*cut to scene of complete mayhem and anarchy in the dressing room*  
Duo: Most people don't realize the tedious preparations before the pageant even   
starts....  
*random voices heard amid the chaos*  
  
Hilde: alright, *who* took my duct tape this time....  
Dorothy: isn't it time for us to go throw up, miss relena?  
Marimaia: guess what?....chicken butt!!!!!!!  
Lady Une: Where the HELL is my GODDAMN PROZAC!!!!!  
Unknown: does this make me look fat.  
everyone: yes.  
Noin: ...sounds like *somebody* needs a midol...  
  
Duo: The contestants prepare all year for this pageant. let's interview some of  
them as they get dressed!  
Quatre: little does he know that trying to interview that many women, most of   
whom with PMS/ pre-pageant nerves is like self detonating...and having the  
self-detonator actually work.  
Duo: so, Hilde, what is the actual purpose of the duct tape?  
Hilde: i'll tell you when you're older. *yelling* HEy! Colonel, i found your  
Meds! *whispers to Duo* which she so sorely needs. willya zip up the dress?  
Duo: 0.0 of course :)  
Dorothy walks up: is it me or does this foundation not match at all?  
Hilde: Lemme see...Pale Ivory? I thought you were natural beige.  
Dorothy: this is relena's, then, i let her do my makeup. but why would she do that?  
  
RElena is heard screaming from the other end of the room.  
  
Dorothy: oh my gosh, miss relena are you ok?  
Noin: What happened?  
Relena: these chips i was eating...they're not....they're not...  
eveyone else: 0_0  
Relena: THEY'RE NOT FAT FREE!!!!!!!!  
Sylvia Noventa: : (evil grin) *walks away* muahahahahaaaaaa!  
RElena: who would do this? give me non-fat free food? why???? WHY?!?!?!   
  
Duo: what was that all about?  
Hilde: do you have any IDEA how many calories are IN those? She hasn't got a   
chance now. there's actually quite a bit of sabatouge right before a   
pageant like this.   
Duo: Really?  
*Lady Une storms up to them*  
Hilde: god help us...Anyway i found your meds. over there with Noin's stuff.  
Lady Une: thank you, Hilde. I swear i'm going to kill that little...wait, no,  
that would be against the spirit of the miss-united-earth-sphere-foundation  
-colony-alliance-orgainization...wait, what is it called now? anyway, it's   
against the spirit of the pageant...and furthermore, his excellency would   
not approve...i guess i'll just rough her up a bit. *evil grin, walks away*  
Duo: whoa, you guys are quite the backstabbers.  
Hilde: what she doesn't know is, Noin didn't take the pills.  
Duo: huh?  
Hilde: I did. and planted them with her stuff. knowing them, they'll both be  
pretty banged up after the inevitable catfight that will ensue. I've  
effectively sabatoged both of them.  
Duo: whoa. Well, let's get back to the pageant for the semifinalist cuts.  
  
  
commercial break  
  
Quatre: welcome back. we will now announce the semifinalists for the A.C 195  
miss...(i'm not even going to attempt to figure out the name) pageant.  
Duo: ....Dorothy Catalonia, Miss romafeller!  
*Dorothy Hugs both of the women next to her,(Sally and Lady Une) and starts   
jumping up and down...till she falls out of her dress.*  
  
all the judges: 0_o  
  
Quatre: Sweatdropped. ohkaaay. Miss Lake Victoria, Lucrezia Noin!  
*Noin jumps around doing the funky chicken for a few minutes*  
  
Duo: Lady Une, miss Oz!  
*She grins evilly and starts waving and blowing kisses at the audience*  
  
Duo: Miss Traveling circus, catherine bloom!  
  
Catherine: i'd like to thank the academy, my brother, Trowa, but most of all,  
i'd like to thank...  
Duo: not yet, babe.  
  
Quatre: and finally...  
  
*All the remaining contestants hold their breath*  
  
Duo: Miss earthsphere alliance, Major Sally Po!  
  
*sally jumps up and down as a massive catfight breaks out between relena, hilde,  
sylvia, and marimaia*  
  
Duo: uh...security?  
  
*security guards pry the loosers off eachother*  
  
Duo: now for an interview with one of the loosers...er, i mean runners up....  
  
Quatre: how do you feel about this entire experience?  
Marimaia: It's unfair that i have been defeated! As a result, i plan to try to   
seize political control of the earth sphere as soon as the war is over and  
destroy the earth by dropping colonies on it! doesn't that sound like fun?  
of course, it is an honor to make it this far...but i should have won!  
Quatre: *sweatdropped* hehe. kids these days...  
  
Duo: after the next commercial break, we'll have the talent portion and evening  
gowns.   
  
commercial  
  
Quatre: we're back now with the *gulp* talent protion. oh god...First we have...  
Duo: Miss romafeller singing...oh no..."loving you".  
quatre: is that the one that goes...  
Duo: doo doodooo dooo00000! aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA! with  
all the high notes....*gulp*  
Quatre: let's watch...  
  
Dorothy: looooooooooVING youuuuuuu is MORE than juuuuuust a dream come truuuue,  
and every time that we oooohhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaaaa!  
  
Duke Dermail......Please..killme...NOW!!! 2.5  
Doktor J..........3.0  
Heero.............where's the self-detonation switch?  
Zechs.............Treize, my head is going to explode....  
Treize............4.0 at least she's better than lady in the shower...  
elvis.............1.2  
jim morrison......*takes a long drag on a doobie*5.6  
AVG: 1.5  
  
Duo: now that my hearing is almost completely destroyed, we have two contestants  
doing a joint presentation. this should be interesting.  
Quatre: uhm...duo. i thought pageant rules said that Miss Oz and   
Miss Lake victoria wouldn't be allowed to fight to the death.  
Duo: They're fighting to the DEATH? SWEET!  
  
*noin and lady une walk onto the stage and pull out swords*  
  
Duo: finally a cool talent competition.  
Quatre: stop this madness! you shouldn't be fighting!  
*both give him the death glare.*  
  
*The two of them circle for awhile until Noin lunges forward. Lady Une is quick  
on the defensive.*  
  
*Duo passes a box of popcorn to quatre*  
Quatre: stop this, you shouldn't be fighting!*grabs a handfull of popcorn*  
  
Meanwhile, in the judges area...  
  
Dermail: i see nothing in the rules to prohibit mortal combat as part of the  
talent competition. It won't be a major loss anyway. I never was   
particularly fond of Lady Une...  
  
Treize *pulling out his sword* You take that back, or i will be forced to kill  
you.  
Dermail: while on the other hand, i never liked Noin either.  
Zechs: Lt. Noin is a competent soldier... you are weak and must be defeated.  
*yells Rip the b****'s head off, noin!*   
Treize: excuse me?  
Zechs: you heard me.  
Doktor J: with luck we'll have another battle to the death in the judges  
area.  
Heero: does this mean i have to self-detonate?  
Jim: here, try some of this *passes around the pot*  
Elvis: thankyou, thank you very much.  
Zechs: you want a piece of me, treize?  
  
Duo: hehe. yeah.   
Quatre: this is horrible, they shouldn't be fighting like this!  
Duo: Dude, what are you saying? two hot chicks in tight-fitting dresses  
trying to kill eachother, could it GET any better than this?  
Quatre: i was referring to the judges.  
Duo: oh...Popcorn?   
Quatre: please. *grabs a handfull*  
Duo: hey wait a minute, is that...  
Quatre: donald trump?  
  
*enter Donald Trump*  
  
Donald: it is I, donald trump. I am appauled at this. i own this pageant  
and you guys are totally screwing it up! Look right here on page 1  
of the rulebook.   
  
*everyone stops fighting and reads aloud*  
  
"mortal combat will not be permitted as part of the talent competition  
or by angry disgruntled judges."  
  
everyone: ooooooooooooooh.  
*everyone puts away their various weapons*   
  
*Duo and Quatre both sweatdrop*  
  
Duo: considering that there really isn't time to continue as planned and  
make them do normal talent-show stuff, the judges will just score them  
for the battle-not-quite-to-the-death.  
Quatre: yeah.  
  
judges:  
  
Duke Dermail......Noin: 8.9, Une: 8.9...but they're not even mortally wounded!  
Doktor J..........Noin: 7.0, Une: 7.9...she should have self-detonated.  
Heero.............Noin: 7.6, Une: 8.9...i agree with dermail.  
Zechs.............Noin: 10^36  
  
Duo: hey, remember what we said about scientific notation!  
  
Zechs:....Damn you. Noin: 10, Une: 2  
Treize............Noin: 0 Une:10...she won, get over it.  
elvis.............cool. Noin: 7.8, Une:9.2   
jim morrison......dude! pink elephants. everyone gets a 10.  
avg score: Noin: 7.3, Une: 8.1  
  
Quatre: now that that's over with, we have our final contestants.  
Duo: first up, we have miss traveling circus, catherine bloom, who  
will be throwing knives at her brother trowa.  
*everyone claps*  
*duke dermail raises his hand*  
  
Quatre: yes, duke dermail?  
Duke Dermail: if She's allowed to throw knives at her brother, then i   
see no reason why Lt. Noin and Lady Une couldn't kill eachother.  
Quatre: *sweadropped* uhm.....  
Duo: Trowa isn't a fellow contestant, so if he accidentally gets stabbed it  
doesn't interfere with normal pageant activity.  
Dermail: oh.   
Duo: that said, let's move on.  
  
*catherine does her usual knife throwing routine, but narrowly misses nailing  
her brother in the groin area.*  
  
*trowa sweatdrops*  
  
Duo: that was cool. let's see what the judges think.  
  
Duke Dermail......8.9  
Doktor J..........7.6  
Heero.............6.3...why not just use a gun?  
Zechs.............8.7  
Treize............8.9...because guns are like mobile dolls, they make wars...  
elvis.............7.9   
jim morrison......8.0...treize, man, you need to loosen up a bit. want a refer?  
avg. 8.0  
  
Quatre: and now for our final contestant, miss earthsphere alliance.  
Duo: she will be doing a cover of the doors "light my fire"...on the kazoo.  
Quatre: *trying not to laugh*  
  
jim morrison: i'd just like to say that i'm honored.  
  
*sally plays light my fire on her kazoo*  
  
Duo: judges?  
  
Duke Dermail......9.0  
Doktor J..........9.0  
Heero.............9.0  
Zechs.............9.0  
Treize............9.0  
elvis.............9.0...why couldn't she do one of my songs?  
jim morrison......9.0  
avg: 9.o  
  
Quatre: since the sponsors would kill us if we didnt show their commercial,  
we're gonna take a break now, and when we get back we'll do the next  
semifinalist cuts, evening gowns, and the final interview.  
Duo: but first, that cool beer commercial.  
  
insert beer commercial  
  
Quatre: ok, we're back. the next round of semifinalists is....  
Duo: lemme do it!  
QUatre: ok.  
Duo: Miss earthsphere alliance, sally po!  
  
*audience claps, Sally jumps up and down hugging random other contestants*  
  
Duo: miss lake victoria.  
  
*more clapping, noin jumps around giving lady une the finger*  
  
Duo: and finally...miss oz.  
  
*clapping, lady une hugs catherine and gives noin the finger.*  
  
Quatre: now they'll all go backstage and get ready for the evening  
gown competition, so while they're doing that, we'll interview  
the runner-up.  
Duo: so Cathy, how does it feel to be a looser?  
Catherine: it's an honor just to be nominated...i'm going to go throw  
some more knives at my brother.  
Duo: ohkaaaaaaay. let's do the final portions of the competition, the  
evening gowns and the final interviews.  
Quatre: yup. that said, here's Miss earthsphere alliance.  
*sally walks around the stage in the evening gown.*  
  
Judges:  
Duke Dermail......8.9 this is getting boring.  
Doktor J..........8.8 couldn't agree more  
Heero.............7.8 it was all downhill from the talent portion  
Zechs.............8.0  
Treize............8.0  
elvis.............7.7  
jim morrison......7.9  
avg:  
  
Duo: next up, Miss oz.  
  
*lady une walks around the stage in her evening gown*  
  
Duke Dermail......8zzzzzzzzzzzz  
Doktor J..........8zzzzzzzzzzzz  
Heero.............9.8 what's up with them?  
Zechs.............8.9 you know old guys and naps  
Treize............10  
elvis.............9.9 notice how they both landed on the 8 button  
jim morrison......9.9  
avg  
  
Duo: *yawns & stretches* and finally miss lake victoria.  
  
Duke Dermail......8zzzzzzzz  
Doktor J..........8zzzzzzzz  
Heero.............8.9  
Zechs.............10  
Treize............7.0  
elvis.............6.8 *whispers to morrison* did anybody ever tell zechs she looks like a guy?  
jim morrison......7  
Zechs: i heard that!  
Treize: *giggles*  
Zechs: you find this funny?  
Treize: at least lady une actually looks like a lady.  
Zechs: you wanna take this outside, treize?  
  
Quatre: you guys shouldn't be fighting!  
Duo: he's right, because it's time for...interviews!  
Quatre: each contestant will be asked a series of questions-  
Duo: yadda yadda yadda, let's get this over with.  
Quatre: ok. the first question is...if you win the title of miss earthsphere-united-alliance-  
colony-delegation-foundation *breath* organization-of-unified-something or other  
what do you most want to work for?  
Sally: stiffer prosecution of parole violators...and total pacifism.  
*audience claps*  
Noin: cockroach abuse awareness....and total pacifism.  
*audience claps*  
Lady Une: lobbying for pro-choice, anti-gun control, and pro-capitol punishment organizations  
...and total pacifism.  
Duo: ok. the next question is...what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?  
Noin: does he mean that in a sexual way? 'cuz if he does he'll be hearing from my attorney, not  
to mention Zechs...  
Sally: this one time, at band camp...  
Lady Une: i blew up a building once.  
Duo: Oohhkay, that's enough. bad question.  
Quatre: perhaps you'd better let me do this...If you had a billion dollars to make the world a   
better place, how would you use it?  
Noin: i'd buy everyone in the earthsphere a puppy!  
Sally: i'd plant flowers everywhere!  
Lady Une: i'd destroy all mobile dolls and use the rest to buy a gundam.  
Duo: and the final question; how do you think miss unified-earthsphere-alliance-  
colony-organization-foundation-thingymabob act as a role model for young women?  
Noin: she should prove that girls can do anything, and that it doesn't matter if everyone thinks  
you're a butch, because you know you're not *gives treize the death glare* and if you are   
that's ok too.  
Sally: could you repeat the question?  
Lady Une: proof that it's ok to have a psycological disorder.  
  
Quatre: ok, rather than show the final scores, the judges will now pick the winner. after the  
commercial, we'll crown this year's miss united-earthsphere-delegation-organization-of-  
colony-whatever the heck we're calling it now.  
  
*commercial*  
  
Duo: we're back, and ready to crown this year's miss...ok, i'm not even going to try.   
Quatre: in the event that miss...uh...yeah... is not able to fulfill her duties, the first  
runner up will take her place, and the first runner up is...Miss earthsphere alliance,   
major sally po!  
*sally jumps up and down. trowa apppears from nowhere (with a knife sticking out of his head) and  
hands her a bouquet of roses*  
Duo: trowa, dude, you should get that looked at. anyway, the title of this years miss...something  
pageant goes to.....  
*cut to camera shot of the remaining two contestants looking about ready to kill eachother and   
any other innocent bystanders*  
Quatre: *mumbles quickly* Miss Oz, lady une  
Duo: RUN, you idiot RUN!!!!  
*both hosts run away*  
Zechs: alright treize, right here right now, let's go!  
Treize: you wanna peice of me boy?  
Heero: don't make me get wing zero...  
Doktor J and duke dermail: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
Noin: you get back here you little ^*()%&$%(&*&)*%%$%##@()!!!!!!!!!  
Sally: so does this mean that i get the crown?  
everyone: you stay out of this!  
  
and all hell breaks loose.  
  
  



End file.
